by Brian Carpenter
It’s not well known that Festivus is a Christian holiday, and thus it has always been. Festivus, our Christian birthright, has been stolen from us by the forces of secularism, and we have been brainwashed into thinking that it is not a sacred Christian festival. Simply look at its symbols and rituals and the Christian roots are plain for all to see.
For instance, the chief decoration for Festivus celebrants is the Festivus pole. It is a plain aluminum pole, perfectly upright and serene. Now that Festivus poles are commercially available (Darn these lovers of filthy lucre! Will they never stop ruining our sacred celebrations with their commerce! A pox on them and their households!) the divinely inspired structure of the Festivus pole can be plainly seen by all who have a computer and internet access.
If you click the link you will notice that the Festivus pole is one pole, but it is made of three parts. The three parts constitute one pole. The Three are One. And not only that, the two parts of the base (shall we call them the First and Second parts of the Festivus pole?) are united together as one and then the Third part proceeds from the other two.
Notice also the simplicity and the self-sufficiency of our beautiful Three In One pole. It does not need (indeed, it will not tolerate) any tinsel or lights or other adornments. It stands starkly and simply. It speaks of spiritual things with its high strength-to-weight ratio. It proclaims hidden knowledge to those who have ears to hear and eyes to see. O dear reader, can you not hear it shouting of the existence of the Triune God, a truth known to no other faith but ours? This alone should be sufficient to prove the Christian origins of Festivus, but I have more evidence to present.
The next ritual we shall explain is called “The Airing of Grievances.” This takes place after a celebratory dinner. Each person present sits around the table and explains to all present all the different ways each of them has disappointed him/her in the past year. The liturgy is simple to learn. You only need to begin with the phrase, “I got a lotta problems with you people!”
Can there be any more Christian way of being in community with one another? In the esteemed words of the unwitting prophet of Festivus, former Willow Creek Pastor John Ortberg: “…entering into a life of community will require a tenacious inner commitment that you will not live with unaddressed conflict.”
To put it another way, we must take seriously the words of Jesus preserved for us in Eugene Peterson’s excellent “translation” of the New Testament, The Message: “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend.”
Finally, the evening ends with Feats of Strength. The observance of this sacred evening cannot be concluded, and the guests cannot leave, unless and until the host is wrestled to the floor and pinned by one of the guests selected beforehand. Can you not see the Gospel symbolism in this sacred exercise? You must be a blind man if you can’t.
“Or how can someone enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man? Then indeed he may plunder his house” (Matthew 12:29).
The Devil, the Strong Man who formerly held us captive in the bondage of iniquity, has been bound by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and his goods (us) have been plundered. That is the essence of our salvation. The host of the Festivus celebration has the sacred privilege of playing “Devil’s Advocate” in the celebration, and the mighty chosen guest plays the part of Christ in a drama of cosmic significance. Christ bests the Strong Man, pinning him to the floor and symbolically setting the merry captives free. Here is soteriology writ large. Will you not thrill at the drama of it? Will you not bow before the sacred mystery?
With these obvious truths fresh in our minds, it is easy to see that the god of this world has blinded the reprobate, and has deceived even the Children of Light concerning the precious truths of Festivus. We Christians have been deprived of our sacred rituals and have seen them obscured and trampled upon. Can you not see how much the Christian origins of it have been obscured in that Jews, atheists, and even Jewish atheists will cheerfully observe and recommend it?
I call on all Christians everywhere to rescue Festivus from its terrible decay. Next year, on December 23, I want to see Festivus celebrations in every Christian home. I wish to see the Festivus pole restored to its rightful place in the sanctuaries of all our churches. I want to see us refusing to allow unaddressed conflict. I want wrestling matches galore! Our Lord demands nothing less from His servants! To arms! The battle is ours to win!
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